I was 42 years old when I realised my life wasn’t working, even though, I had a successful business, was a mother to five boys and went through the motions of a “normal” life. However, my relationships were chaotic because my boundaries were broken; indeed, these broken walls allowed unhealthy people to walk in and out of my life, leaving me to pick up the broken pieces alone, whilst carrying on a “normal’ life, in silent despair and confusion.
I thought I had buried my childhood abuse; however, the memories refused to be buried, as they invaded my life, whenever they were triggered by people or circumstances. I worked hard to be a good mother, a good Christian, a good business woman and a good contributor to the community. I believed the harder I tried to be successful, the more “normal” I would become.
I desired the best life for my children and myself; however, life led me toward healing, through chaos.
I decided to seek out a Counsellor and “deal” with my childhood abuse and address the unhealthy relationships that seemed to attach themselves to my life. The Counsellor asked me questions that were confronting and demanded denial (initially) from me. I wasn’t ready to face them. I walked out of her office deciding never to put myself through that again and, I buried it, where it belonged…in the past.
I went home emotionally drained and decided on a nap before I had to go and pick my children up from school.
I knew I could never undo what had happened to me as a child, but that afternoon, I finally accepted that sexual abuse happened to me, even though my abusers counted on my silence.
I awoke from my sleep with an overwhelming sense of injustice, pain and powerlessness. The memories flooded my brain and my emotions were intense, until I cried out, “Why God? Why was I not safe as a child? Why did you let this happen to me?”
I wept over the little girl (me) that was powerless to stop the abuse. I cried until there were no more tears left to express the loss of my innocence and my distorted childhood.
Then something magical happened, that had a profound affect on my life.
To this day, I’m not sure if I were still sleeping, or awake; however, something had caught my tear stained eyes, in the corner of the room.
I saw a beautiful earthen vase with ornate handles, displayed on a lovely wooden stand. Within a second, I saw a man, from the waist down, walk past and elbow the vase off the stand. It fell to the floor and shattered in hundreds of little pieces and some of it was pulverised, beyond restoration. Such a beautiful thing reduced to worthlessness, in a moment of time. I clearly saw the significance of it, and how it related to my life.
The next thing I saw, were people walking past and their feet were cut on the broken piece, whilst others reached down to help pick up the broken pieces, but how quickly they pulled back when the sharp edges hurt them, and they started to bleed. I cried at the senselessness of it all and because others were unable to help, even though they tried. I felt broken, beyond repair. They walked away because of the risk to themselves.
I felt God say to me, “This was your life, in your broken state, sharp and cutting, and people got hurt and overwhelmed as they tried to get close to you. They were overwhelmed by your brokenness.”
Then, He said to me, “I didn't do this to you, I created you a beautiful vessel to be loved, admired and cherished. This was not my plan for your life; however, today I’m going to put you back together.”
I saw His hands gently picking up the broken pieces bit by bit and, creatively, glueing them back together with U-HU glue (New Zealand glue). I suggested He use Superglue.
He said no, that wouldn’t work because I had the potential to be broken again and stronger glue would create more friction and create more damage.
When He had finished glueing the vase back together, He placed it back on the stand and said, “It is finished.”
I was disgusted when I saw the finished product.
I gasped and groaned, saying, “That’s the ugliest thing I have ever seen.”
I was so disappointed because the pieces didn't fit together properly; likewise, there were gaps where the shattered parts were pulverised and, there was dried glue drips down the vase.
I saw the significance; I saw how I could never be put back together again. I saw the hopelessness of a future, as a broken person; indeed, unlovable.
I felt Him say to me, “Look again.”
I didn’t want to look at it again; however, I did and, in a flash of a moment, I saw an intense light, exploding out of the broken cracks. I saw thousands of broken and pulverised vessels where the rays of the intense light touched.
He said, “My daughter, I am healing you from the inside out. You can never be unbroken in this lifetime but out of that brokenness, my love, my light and my healing power will flow out of your brokenness and touch other broken vessels.
You see, Kate, you are far more precious and more beautiful to me now in your healed brokenness, than you ever could have been if you had a perfect childhood.”
I felt healed, valued and I had a purpose; indeed, to help others heal
“Let light shine out of darkness”… God.